dear diary...

Waiting

For recognition
For acceptance
For reciprocation
For love

A part of my life is temporarily put on hold
For a decision that is to be made
By him
Or that’s what I’ve been told
For him to come to terms
With us
About him and me
With a new identity

These days
A niggling anxiety that often accompanies uncertainty and doubt
Keeps tugging at my heartstrings
And disturbing my mind

“Promise me you won’t feel sad if I said no”

The dreaded response
Anticipated in advance
Launched at me
From the one deciding
Turned into a promise that
Constrained my emotional
Boundaries
Am I not allowed to feel pain and sorrow and disappointment?
I may have promise you
But that doesn’t mean that I feel any less sad
I may have promised you
But that doesn’t glue the smithereens of my fragile heart
I may have promised you
But that doesn’t mean that I have stopped loving you

Needless to say
I obliged
promised
gave him my word
Volunteered my emotional liberty
For love
Love that is irrational, cruel even

Am I too easy?
Am I bothering on desperation?
Is it the loneliness
Or the jealousy
Or the longing

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