dear diary...


Under the pouring rain

and roaring thunder

I skipped my way to the bus stop

I stared at the sodden grass

Oblivious to what was a harbinger

of things to come


Hours later

The rain has subsided

and is coming to a stop

But I still hear it

loud and clear and close

as it pours ruthlessly

in this heart of mine


This heart that so foolishly and helplessly


to the hope that

maybe — just maybe —

he may be the one for me

my happiness, my anchor, my strength

Maybe my path to love doesn’t actually have to be ridden

with potholes and “no entry” signs


“You’re such a great friend to me” he started

Emphasising on the word “great”

I chimed, expectantly, “Why, just go ahead and say it! I totally knew this was coming.”

Except, I don’t.


The plot did an agonisingly cruel twist.


The next moment,

a heart-wrenching bitterness seared through

this heart of mine

as it’s being wrung by the ruthlessly strong hands of

disappointment and grieve

ensuring that every fibre and every sinew wasn’t spared from the ache


I blinked back my tears

“calm down, no tears, smile”

I tried searching for his eyes

for an inkling that

those words that he just said to me,

were part of a prank

Maybe he wanted to test me, for mutuality

Maybe he was simply craving for attention

but his eyes

they were desperately searching for words reconciliation

to lessen the awkwardness

to ameliorate the grief

his eyes were dams on the verge of bursting


On our way back

Silence hung in the space between us

the space that was so full of conversation a few hours ago

I held on to the goreng pisang he bought me, knowing that I will never eat it,

and wandered through the dense, inescapable forest of Whys


We were doing just fine

Why lead me on when you know I’m not the one for you

and if there was a change of heart somewhere somehow, Why?

What made you change your mind?

Was I simply delusional and “thirsty” and desperate for love and companionship?

You dropped hints and I picked them up one by one and kept them close to heart

You wanted to know my side of the story.

I was confused, no doubt.

But behind that clouded vision and perhaps, delusion,

is me hoping for acceptance, reciprocation

and everything that wasn’t



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